Dear Mrs Angry:
I'm so worried about my son. He's got into the wrong crowd, and is completely out of control.
For some time now, he has been a member of a notorious local gang, the infamous 'Townhall Family' who, as you probably read in the local press, plague so many parts of our borough with their loutish, anti-social and threatening behaviour. These yobs spend their days hanging out together, dealing, thieving, living off society, claiming they have no money because they can't get a proper job: there is a great big mob of them and they all seem hell bent on terrorising the whole community with their bullying and self indulgent behaviour. As a mother yourself, do you have any advice?
Dear Troubled Mum:
Hmmm. I think it is quite clear that your son suffers from a condition known as 'ADHD' - in other words, 'A Desire for a Higher standard of living than he Deserves'. This is a grossly misunderstood problem, particularly amongst the residents, press and bloggers of Broken Barnet, and it requires sympathy and support rather than punishment. I blame the parents. You have encouraged him to believe that he is owed a living, rather than have to go out and do an honest day's work. Hanging around the Town Hall all day and night with his 'crew' is simply his way of expressing his needs, which are obviously profound and and require substantial support, especially financially.
Of course in the faraway days of the Labour government we had something called ASBOs, which would have helped to deal with this sort of problem, although obviously not here in the forgotten paradise of Broken Barnet, where ASB does not exist. Unfortunately, however, the new Tory/Libdem government has recognised that this approach is grossly unfair, and coincidentally too expensive, and therefore an inappropriate approach to an issue that ministers and their own priviliged families will never have to experience, and so now, sadly, there is pretty much f*** all that can be done about it.
Why not have a word with your local community police, before they are all made redundant? Say that Mrs Angry sent you: see the rising look of panic in their eyes, and the cold sweat breaking out on their brows. Ask if they will have a quiet word with your son, pat him on the head and ask him very nicely to be a good boy, now, sonny, and maybe do a spot of community service for Mr Cameron's Big Society?After all, with so many council services facing devastating cuts in spending, we will need an awful lot of help to fill in the gaps in social services, health care, teaching, housing, etc. I know I am just run off my feet with the rest of the volunteers from the Womens' Institute, trying to organise the new monthly wheelie bin collection, as well as removing the foul mouthed graffitti in the staff carparks at NLBP!
'Worried of West Finchley': No, it isn't normal, and you should urgently seek professional help. Yes, you are a complete twat, and no one likes you. When you lie awake at night in your lonely bed wondering where it all went wrong, you have only yourself to blame. Frankly, I feel that your classmates should have taken you behind the bicycle shed and given you a good kicking. Regularly. All is not lost, however: you can turn things around. Be nice to people. Smile at them. Ask them how they are doing. Start listening to the opinions of others without a look of utter contempt playing on your face. Try and show some respect. Stop measuring life by how much money you have stuffed under the mattress, or how many people you have upset. Do nice things. Adopt a kitten: ah ... isn't that lovely? Try and resist the temptation to tie it to a railway track to see what will happen. Go for a walk in the park: smell the scent of the roses, listen to the innocent chirruping of birds in the trees. (Maybe avoid walking past the children's playground, in case you frighten any of the babies.)
Find a partner, fall in love, settle down, and join the human race. It's not too late, even for you.
Finally, I have a plea for help from Ms Anon.
Dear Mrs Angry,
I work part time, and have recently had an unexpected pay rise. Instead of congratulating me for it, some of the people who work in my team have lodged a complaint with the company owners saying I am lazy, not qualified for my job, that they do all the real work and deserve rises too. They have sent me to coventry and when I stand at the coffee machine, everyone turns their back on me. Just because I threatened another colleague that if she didn't support my pay claim, her job security would be affected, she burst into tears and said I was a bully. What do you suggest I do? Can you help?
Dear Ms Anon,
You are clearly beyond help, and all I can do, my dear, is offer some fashion advice. Now that you have a whopping great pay hike, spend some of it on a bit of a Gok Wan style make over. You don't have to shop at Primark anymore: (darling, that dress! Those shoes! What were you thinking?) In the coming weeks and months you are going to be spending a lot of time being scrutinised, criticised, and the subject of intense speculation, and I suggest you try to smarten up and look like the high powered professional you aspire to be. And after all, if things don't work out the way you hope, you never know when you might have to go for another job interview, do you?