Over the past few weeks a vile rumour has been spread around by my enemies that I, in my capacity as leader of the council here in Broken Barnet, have awarded myself an enormous pay rise. This is of course a complete misunderstanding.
It has been alleged that I forcibly obtained this pay rise from the residents of this borough by bullying my servile and spineless colleagues into supporting a claim for more cash, and that I threatened one colleague who refused to support me by pulling her hair, stamping on her foot, and threatening to flush her head down the nearest toilet, if she disobeyed. This is absolutely untrue.
For some time now I have felt that because I am so greedy, I should be given a lot more money, and, in the interests of transparency, should be seen to be given a lot more money, so that the idle working classes of Broken Barnet might be encouraged to aspire to a lifestyle like mine, whereby a few hours of 'work' a week is so richly rewarded at the expense of others much poorer than myself.
I feel that with my vast success in the world of business, (before the unfortunate collapse of the Angry Direct Marketing empire), I am uniquely placed to guide the people of Broken Barnet to a secure and profitable economic future. By reluctantly accepting a larger allowance from the grateful residents, I had hoped to make them realise that painful cuts in their own salaries and devastating loss of services is only, after all, exactly what they deserve, and that it serves them right for not being me.
Sadly, it appears that my philanthropic intentions have been deliberately portrayed by some as a blatant attempt to exploit my position and stick two fingers up at the good people of Broken Barnet. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unfortunately, despite my many tireless and patronising explanations to the electorate via the media, they have stupidly chosen to criticise my actions and threaten to form a residents' revolution. Worse still, some of my craven colleagues have even got up off their knees, and are now openly whispering in corners, plotting against me.
I have suddenly remembered, therefore, that I have never, at any time, had any intention to demand a pay rise, and indeed utterly condemn any such inappropriate measure, which, as I have always maintained, is clearly unacceptable in these challenging times, when it seems you cannot get away with anything without those f***ing bloggers finding out.